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You know, for the longest time, I thought Firewind was a chick. I have no idea. Maybe because of being a WHM main and those are usually chicks.
The fact that I like cute things and practising Judoka and former Rugby Player aside, I do have a lot of interests that aren't exactly masculine (like Brony stuff, Musicals, Baking, Cooking and letting my sisters do my hair), and the inevitable name calling and laughing really not bothering me (not for about 9 years anyway) likely didn't help either since most posts calling me a woman just made me shrug and carry on.
I've had everything from my sexuality (being completely unphased by the sight of another man's penis probably doesn't help there either but the concept of freaking out at a penis and not a vagina has baffled me since childhood) and masculinity questioned, but ever since I stopped listening to, and then stopped caring about what people say about me behind my back it stopped bothering me as well. That also giving me amusing ways to make friends squirm is a plus too.
Re: Official Bored at Work / Off-Topic Chat Thread II
Feeling a little bummed.
Spoilered for long, but no depression or triggers this time. :)
I have this gentleman friend that plenty who don't know any better would call my boyfriend. We have no such labels on the relationship really but we have talked about how we both suck at relationships and I feel like we're on the same page - two people who like each other, enjoy each others' company, and don't necessarily want to jump into something. We do at least text every day. We don't see each other much since I'm on a night schedule and he's on days.
That said, we were talking yesterday (well, texting, I was at work), and he mentioned how when he finishes his PhD he wants to do all these things like travel, or maybe work in Europe because he's got family in Germany, or retire in such and such place, and I just feel like he has all these plans that don't ... necessarily ... include me. And I shouldn't feel that way because we're not a "thing" in the true sense of anything and I have no reason to feel like he should want to keep me in his life after he graduates with his doctorate and inevitably gets a position somewhere and leaves Florida for great opportunities.
I really like him. Really really like him. I think given some time it would go beyond like. And I feel like I could imagine a potential life with him. It's not unusual for someone to be dating, for lack of a better term, and imagine if there could be a future, is it? And am I wrong for hoping that he wonders about me too? I feel selfish for wondering about all these plans and thinking, "What about me?" But I'm starting to honestly wonder if there's any room for me after he's left Tampa and moved to bigger and better things, and let's face it, I'm no trophy.
Is it weird to think that? Is it weird for me to wonder what's going to happen? I feel like I'm just setting myself up to be hurt in the long run because if we're doing this ... whatever we're doing ... and I'm not sure where his head's at. Are we a thing? Or ... I don't know how to ask this question without seeming like I'm coming across needy. I just feel really bummed because I think here's this great guy who I really like and who likes me back, who actually apologizes when he has to cancel plans and doesn't just ignore me, who seems genuinely glad to talk to me, encourage me, and even listen to me bitch about work, and I don't know if I'm just a friend to him that he sometimes sleeps with or if he sees me as someone he could actually share his life with.
Texting him right now, talking about how I'm just having a bummer day and I feel like I'm just treading water (meaning financially, which is true), and he told me that he has faith in me. I actually have tears in my eyes ... I think I am vulnerable right now and I am going to end up getting hurt again. It's so funny, I can talk to him about work, about finances, about family issues, about friends, etc., but I can't fucking ask him if we're more than just FWB.
Am I stupid for feeling like I won't ever measure up to his level of success and he's going to look at me like, "You're a failure, why am I here with you?" Am I stupid for feeling like I don't know what I'd do if he did leave the country to work and knowing I would actually miss his company and talking to/texting him every day? Am I selfish for not wanting him to go because I'd miss him? Am I already in too deep for something that we haven't even talked about?
Anyone have any insight at all? Yes I suck at talking about things that matter, I know this. Just wonder if anyone sees anything I don't or can just tell me Julia, you're being stupid right now, stop it.
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