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**Omgwtfbbqkitten** · 11-28-2010, 03:13 AM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

Its only natural the friendships you knew will be consumed by work and children being raised. You might get lucky and have friendships that function in a high school/college capacity where you hang out after work, but once many of your friends get hitched and have kids that time is over. At least it is for men, because the dirty secret of women is that they say they want you to spend time with friends, but don't trust what you and those friends will be doing/seeing.

I actually don't get lonely being single. The only problem with that is that every now and again there's that woman that sees I'm single and keep to myself, but that I'm talkative and personable with everyone otherwise. She finds it to be an alluring mystery and starts forcing herself into my life whether I can be attracted to her or not.

Kinda goes like this (with the ones I was attracted to, anyway):

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BH2Dzp5NaE"]YouTube - William Shatner & Ben Folds - In Love[/ame]

I don't mind relationships, but I also don't require constant affection. If I want constant affection, I can get a dog. A dog is the most unconditional love you'll ever know. A dog is also a lure for the women that aren't out to fix me, as I can now spot them much easier.

**Etra** · 11-28-2010, 08:37 AM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

Originally posted by Omgwtfbbqkitten View Post

At least it is for men, because the dirty secret of women is that they say they want you to spend time with friends, but don't trust what you and those friends will be doing/seeing.

I would have to disagree on that. If a woman cannot trust her husband or boyfriend while he is out with his friends, then she needs to talk to someone about it. Otherwise, that relationship is going to flounder and fail fast. If you have no trust, then why are you in a relationship?

As for the topic at hand... This is a strange time to live in, Jarre. Almost every societal paradigm is shifting to adjust to new standards and many people are feeling the weight of it. Dating is changing, marriages are changing, the family unit is changing, and that scares people, too. Everyone is so caught up in their own things these days, that if you really want a relationship that'll last, you need to put yourself out there. If you're fine with being single, like BBQ, but wouldn't mind a healthy relationship if one would happen along, then just go with the flow of things. If you want, even try one of those dating sites.

I did notice you mentioned your "disability," or lack there-of. This makes me think you aren't comfortable enough with yourself. If that's true, people can tell and will be turned off right away. I'm not posting my own medical history here, but I do know how you feel about this. If you're accepting of yourself, people will accept you.

**Raydeus** · 11-28-2010, 08:52 AM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

Originally posted by Jarre View Post

Why do i hate being single? I miss the companionship, someone to talk to after a long days work to be able to just relax, cuddle up and let all the troubles of the day fizzle out as you are with someone you love and to be there for that person in the reverse roll. Its why I talk to alot of people on skype and open out sometimes on the forum, its because theirs noone else to do that with.

Don't worry, for this happy stage in the relationship does not last for long after you get married. Then it will be all the loneliness and uncertainties from being single compound with the several obligations and frustrations of being married.

Bonus fail points if you have kids when that happens.

Unless you actually find someone who really loves you for who you are and that YOU love her for who she is. Which is very unlikely as I've only seen like 3 happy 50+ year marriages compared to hundreds of fails, some of which have lasted just as much, but are still fail marriages where everyone is miserable even if they are not divorced.

I'm sure there has to be a mathematical formula out there detailing how the amount of loneliness and desperation are inversely proportional to the amount of awareness people shows when dating someone, even if all the warning signs are right in front of their faces.

PS > And being single is not bad if you keep yourself busy. You'll be surprised how much you can enjoy your time once you accept the fact that finding someone who can really make you happy (and that you can actually make happy) is like winning the lotery.

So instead of stumbling around in bad relationships and depression, time can be better used improving yourself for both your own sake and in case you meet the one one of these days. I mean, you wouldn't want her to find a depressed mess who can barely get himself together to work, would you?

TL;DR Keep your eyes open, son. Don't rush it just because you are lonely, for things can get much much worse if you step on a land mine. Also, learn to enjoy spending time with yourself.

**Fliegar** · 11-28-2010, 09:15 AM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

I'd like to add that long distance relationships, while pretty crappy, can work, if you're both willing to keep it alive. Though I recently just got kicked in the nuts, so to speak, I'm still trying! xD

Loneliness feels a lot worse than having less time to game if you're dating someone I find.

**Yellow Mage** · 11-28-2010, 11:29 AM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

Holy crap. I just realized Jarre posted something that was mostly legible. Jarre.

----

On topic of the post, it's kind of hard to comprehend the question "why are people scared of being single" when I currently hold that status myself. I find it odd the timing of this thread, though, as I have been feeling rather lonely lately (not in the immediate past, fortunately enough, but in the recent past definitely).

I'll be darned if that ever makes me desperate, though.

Which just leads in to depression in how it seems that none of the girls that might even be potentially worthwhile seem to be available, ever. Doesn't help that my so-called bisexual so-called friends seem to, whether they do it consciously or not, rub their boyfriends in my face and brag as if that route was so much easier to deal with. I know from Murphie, at the very least, that this isn't the case at all, but it hardly makes it any less hurtful.

I was almost in a relationship once. We hit it off like you would not believe (to give you an idea on how well our interests meshed, I apparently got tons of bonus points for comparing myself to Don Quixote), and we saw Scott Pilgrim together at a theater (easily one of the best nights of my life). She was anxious to call anything final, though, as her friend whom she had known for longer was going through a rough time, and could have been potentially looking for companionship himself. He was, and we ended it with the minimum amount of heartbreak possible. Compassionate, considerate, mature and well-organized. If I had more self-esteem issues I'd almost say I didn't deserve her, but instead I just say that that Chad person is a stupidly lucky man to be with her.

Knowing that there are people like her, though, no matter how few, is motivation enough to keep me looking, and not give up on girls entirely as these heartless heartbreakers, among other things, that one of my aforementioned "friends" keeps spewing about in his rhetoric (he's the one that does it intentionally, needless to say). Odds are no doubt against me (and it'd be that way whether I was interested in men or women), but that's no reason not to keep trying.

I'll be darned if that ever makes me desperate, though.

**TheGrandMom** · 11-28-2010, 12:08 PM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

Its the season, young ones, that is why you feel like you do.

Its funny because you long to have someone when you are single and after you are married for a long time then you dream of being on your own. The torment never ends. lol

As for the alcohol situation, I can TOTALLY relate Jarre. I do have an occasional glass of wine, but only one. But if I'm out and about or at a family gathering, people don't want you to have just one. They want you to slam them down one after another...oh and add in some shots to that equation too. So I don't drink when I'm out or at a gathering usually, I just don't want to deal with that pressure. They get pissed at you and call you a wet blanket if you keep saying no. I usually end up leaving early just to get away from it. Try attending some Al-Anon meetings, they are for people affected by someone elses addictions. You'll meet people there that do not drink/do drugs and could maybe form some friendships. Just hang in there Jarre, what you are doing is right for you and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

**Murphie** · 11-28-2010, 12:37 PM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

See, there's a difference between being alone, and being lonely. For instance, I am single, and have been for quite some time. And I'm personally happier. Would I like some romantic companionship? Sure. But if I don't find it, I'm ok with that. Because I'm not lonely. At least, not most of the time. For some people, the idea of being single automatically means being lonely and they are terrified of that idea. My ex was like that. I don't think he has spent more than a month or two alone in his entire adult life. He'd rather stay in a shitty relationship then be single.

When I was younger, and first living on my own, I longed for a relationship. And as a result, I spent a lot of time feeling awful, because I felt as though I wasn't a valid, real adult person if I didn't have someone to call my own. My friends got older, moved away, or got married and started having children, and our lives didn't match up the way they used to, so we began to lose touch. I focused on that aspect of things so much that I was miserable. And then when I did meet someone, I often rushed things, or tried to force the relationship to work, just so that I wouldn't be alone again.

At some point over the years, I realized that I was ok being single. Being single isn't a death sentence. It doesn't mean the end of social life, and it doesn't mean that there isn't another relationship on the horizon. When you're single you have the freedom of choice. You can choose to do anything you like with regard to your career, your finances, your living situation, and you only need answer to yourself. When you're in a relationship, the other person's feelings have to come into account, so compromises (on both sides) are inevitable. And that's not a bad thing. That's how relationships work.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, if one is single, it is not the end of the world. But focusing on it is a piss-poor way of remedying the situation. Be comfortable with who you are and what you want, and if you are open to a relationship, one will eventually come your way.

edit: Jarre, to address the non-drinker thing, that isn't a stigma. That's you having stupid friends who don't respect you and your choices. There is nothing at all wrong with not drinking. If you bitch and moan about how they are always drinking, then yeah, I could see that being a wedge in your friendship. But if you just decline to drink alcohol, and they can't respect your choice there? They are not your friends.

**Lmnop** · 11-28-2010, 01:06 PM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

Originally posted by Raydeus View Post

Don't worry, for this happy stage in the relationship does not last for long after you get married. Then it will be all the loneliness and uncertainties from being single compound with the several obligations and frustrations of being married.

Bonus fail points if you have kids when that happens.

This view is what's fundamentally wrong with relationships. In an era where men want "the hunt" and women think it'll hurt his feelings if she tries to tell him how to be better in the sack, it's no wonder we get so many dysfunctional relationships.

You want a relationship that works? Love her and never take her for granted, you idiots (idiots defined as men in general in this context). All relationships require maintenance. You occasionally call your friends or say yes to hanging out with them. But husbands and wives forget to tell their loved ones that they're pretty, or kind, or whatever else.

I'm not saying that's all it takes for a happy marriage, but this is all stuff the happy marriages remember to do. And the worst part? It's easy to communicate.

I know that sounds like Dr. Phil, but here's some advice for women: communication isn't defined as you talking nonstop and then yelling at men for never communicating when they can't get a word in edgewise.

**Omgwtfbbqkitten** · 11-28-2010, 01:11 PM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

Originally posted by TheGrandMom View Post

Its the season, young ones, that is why you feel like you do.

I think its more just the social element that comes with the holidays than the holiday itself. You get together with family and friends. Your parents want grandchildren, other people expect to see you in a relationship because they are, you see couples with children. I can see how some of it makes others feel like the odd person in the room, but it really doesn't phase me like it does others.

Cause here's the thing, most "extended family" are superficial relationships unless everyone lives really close to home. Two or three times a year I will go see my stepmother's family and I won't lie, I'm usually there for the food. They're nice people and I'll talk for a good while with them, but my life does not consist of shooting deer or having a barn so chances are I won't hang out at other times of the year. At Christmas, I'll have some toys for the kids, I'll bring over some games for them to have fun with - I like to see people having fun.

And high school/college friendships can also become superficial once real life takes hold. Its just the nature of things. I don't begrudge my friends for me having to be the one that keeps in touch. I mean, it would be nice if they sought me out for a change, but I don't expect it to be the first person in their thoughts anymore if they have a wife, two sons and a career to manage. One of my best friends I only see every Christmas Eve and if he's managing a gig in town. The rest have really spread out since high school and most people in college I totally lost track of.

**Ketaru** · 11-28-2010, 03:16 PM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

As for the topic at hand... This is a strange time to live in, Jarre. Almost every societal paradigm is shifting to adjust to new standards and many people are feeling the weight of it. Dating is changing, marriages are changing, the family unit is changing, and that scares people, too. Everyone is so caught up in their own things these days, that if you really want a relationship that'll last, you need to put yourself out there. If you're fine with being single, like BBQ, but wouldn't mind a healthy relationship if one would happen along, then just go with the flow of things. If you want, even try one of those dating sites.

I always felt the idea of meeting somebody in your day to day life and eventually falling in love was most romantic by virtue of being more traditional. But, in a discussion I had with somebody recently, he said he knows a lot of people who tried online dating and ended up marrying somebody they met online.

I've recently decided to put myself out there in public more to meet new people, especially through a decision to volunteer at a local hospital which hopefully pans out. It's because, as people have described in this thread, you can't really "hang out" with old buddies the same way you used to which I am finally beginning to realize. A few months ago, I also learned how you generally shouldn't mix social life with work; apparently, 1 or 2 of my coworkers would actually like to see me fired.

Wake up, go to work, get groceries, come home, too exhausted to go out, and suddenly you become aware of how you really don't have time to just put yourself physically out there. Even I'm beginning to wonder if online dating is the way to go...if I was ever very interested in changing my Single status. Right now, more worried about paying off my college loan ($670 a month!)

See, there's a difference between being alone, and being lonely.

That's another way I see things. You can be in a huge crowd of people, a party even, and it will still feel like you don't have a meaningful connection to anybody in the world. I imagine being in an unsatisfactory marriage is much the same.

You lose a lot of your high school/college friends when you start losing contact with them; social networking like Facebook, I find, really doesn't do anything to alleviate that which is why I'm so weary of those online dating sites. But people could probably benefit from keeping 1 or 2. I have a friend from middle school that I've stayed very close with. He's on the other side of the world now and I might see him once a year, twice if I'm lucky. But somehow, just the knowledge that I have at least one "true" friend in the world keeps me from being lonely.

My family is also very close knit. My mother and aunt are close and so are my brother and I with our cousins. One day, I would like to get married and start my own family. But I would never seek out a companion as a cure for loneliness. Because the fact is I'm not lonely. And I suspect there are plenty of married people who feel alienated in their own family.

But then again, I can't really prescribe that to anybody here because I always consider myself lucky with respect to family and friendship. Other people aren't so lucky when it comes to either and maybe close companionship is really what some people need.

**Icemage** · 11-28-2010, 07:20 PM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

Whoah, gettin' deep in here.

First off, should have some fair disclosure and mention I'm single and a non-drinker by choice. Doesn't mean I mind relationships, but I'm not actively in the market for one.

Maybe it's just the circle of friends that I orbit in, but I've never had my refusal to drink alcohol become a negative; it probably helps that I don't actively dislike the stuff, but I don't go out of my way to imbibe either. Usually what I'll do is order one drink I've never had before, try a bit through a straw to get a feel for how it tastes, and give it away to someone who will appreciate it more, then spend the rest of the evening holding nothing more sinister than a glass of Sprite. This Wins Friends and Influences People - people don't get defensive because I don't refuse drinks, and I'm holding a glass in my hand the entire night, so they don't automatically assume I'm not drinking.

As for the relationship thing; I'm happy enough with my life. Would it be nice if there were someone special there all the time to share it with? Eh, maybe. Maybe not, though. A little privacy is a good thing. You don't really appreciate how much of that space in your head you've become accustomed to until you're in a relationship and there's someone else crowding around in there.

I know that's probably cold comfort for someone who's a little farther along on the spectrum than I am, but that's what works for me for now.

Icemage

**Jarre** · 11-28-2010, 11:31 PM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

Its not my friends that have the problem, far from it, its everyone else. I have had a barman refuse to serve me anything but alcahol before, I have had dates where I take a women out then when having a meal I normally have water or a J20( fizzy drinks tend to make me belch so I try and avoid them on a date.) and they look at me as if I've done the worst thing that I'm going out and staying sober. The problem in teh UK is we have a hell of a binge drink and alcaholism problem. I avoid going out to avoid the hassel I get when out on the town just because I don't drink. I avoid one club due to some twat pinning me ont eh floor trying to force alcahol down my throat as apparently" no ones allowed to leave that club sober", he got pulled off me by one of the bouncers and I was asked to leave.....

My housemates gf has an alcahol problem, she has to consume either 2 bottles of wine of 6 cans of larger just to be able to sleep, she has severe "issues" and I'll be glad when i can move away to the coast in March. Unfortunately not being able to drink to people here in teh UK is like having a very noticable physical dysfigurement. They think you can't enjoy yourself or have a good time because your not paraletic and throwing up in a gutter, I even got turned down for a job because the guy said "I wouldn't fit in" because I didn't drink and there fore he believed I "couldn't be social"

Its sad, but this unfortunately is the way things are in the UK and why we have such an alcaholism problem and why every night you could go into A&E (ER) and 80% of the cases their being treated will have alcahol as a piece of the cause.

**Icemage** · 11-28-2010, 11:38 PM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

Mental note: Stay away from bars the next time I'm in the UK.

Seriously, that's messed up. I have never, ever, ever, EVER been refused service at any establishment for not ordering alcohol in the US. Then again, we've got a bunch of widely-known-and-socially-accepted groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), many of which are dead set against alcohol addiction.

Maybe your solution is to move to the USA. *not sure if I'm joking*

Icemage

**Vyuru** · 11-29-2010, 05:39 AM

Re: Why people are scared of being single?

Myself personally. I am not entirely happy to be single, but I know for sure I'd be darn unhappy married to the wrong person. I'm more than happy to wait for the right person to come along, and hey, if she doesn't and I really want to have kids, maybe I look at adoption.

It really is hard to find the right person. There is not only the issue of whether or not you love them, but how they are as a person. Even if you love the person, if you can't see him or her raising your kids with you and being a role model to them, or having access to your funds, or making life and death decisions for you should something happen to you, then you really have no business marrying them.

Also, not sure if it should go here or elsewhere, but...

Advice, thoughts, and comments on asking a coworker out would be much appreciated

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