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So, did I miss some kind of relationship memo the last few years? I'll admit I've been out of the loop for a bit, but things seem to work differently than I remember...
What I mean is this: In the past several months, I've noticed a few women I *thought*, (I'll leave that open to debate), were flirting with me. Maybe they were flirting with me, maybe not, I'm not sure anymore. So, I've been flirting back. I'm *not* getting the "go away and leave me alone* signals I've been looking for and expecting. I'm actually getting what I assume are more flirting signals. Now I'm qualifying everything here for a reason. When I go in to "seal the deal" by actually asking her out, I get shot down. I *think*.
The first woman I was flirting with I sat behind in a class. We'd kind of chatted before this, I knew her name and I figured she knew mine at least. Over the course of this class, I noticed she kept fixing her makeup and looking over her shoulder at me. (I was sitting in the row behind her). I was on one of the back rows, and she'd do this even when no one in this part of the room was speaking. The amount of lip gloss she was applying was possibly toxic. A couple of times I could write off, we're talking five or more times, often enough that it seemed out of place to me. She's got the school email client open, so I log on, shoot her a message: "Hey, this is .... (the guy sitting behind you). I notice you've been looking over your shoulder at me and applying your makeup. Do you mean anything by that? 'Cause I am available if you'd like to get together for lunch or something." The reply I got, about six hours later, (despite having seen her open the email), was: "I'm flattered, and I think you're a wonderful guy, but I already have a boyfriend." Ok, cool.
Flash forward several weeks. Last week I go to two Halloween parties in the same night. She's at both. First one she's not in costume, but wearing a low cut blouse. She sat directly across from me. I have never seen one woman drop her napkin so many times on the floor in front of her before. I was trying not to look. When I was looking over at her, (at times when her napkin was on her lap, thank you), she'd smile at me, and look down. Once or twice I got a blush. Three hours later, I'm at a bit more lively party. She's shown up in costume now. She's a cat, (you know, if cats had DD's and wore spandex, apparently...). Her blouse is if anything, even lower cut than before. Again, sits right across from me. Same eye behavior as before, only this time I get an occasional smile and wave if I'm looking over. It's seeming like the drunker this girl gets, the flirtier she becomes. She's not plastered, either. First party she had her first drink of the night, a 3.2% Bud Light, and she wasn't halfway through that before I had to leave for the next party. Second party she was sober enough to drive other people home. She was a hell of a lot more sober than I was at that point in the evening, in any case.
On to woman two. This woman I've been talking with on and off for about two months. I know all about her ACL injury, we met a year ago at a potential law student orientation when she was in a wheelchair after surgery. We chat occasionally when she's at the bike rack locking up or getting ready to head home. I probably know more about this woman's life and family than I do some of my close friends. She's not very flirty, but I do get a wave and a smile every time I see her, and she was one of the first people to learn my name. She's actually the one who talked me into going to Halloween Party #2 above. I emailed her when she was in a study hall with: "Hey, I just realized I skipped lunch today, would you like to go get something to eat after your study hall with me?" She didn't get it 'til after 6 PM that night, which I only know because she told me while apologizing for not getting back to me and inviting me to Halloween Party #2. She's also telling me we should get together sometime.
So, back to this second Halloween party. I meet woman 2 at this party. I get a hug when she gets there. She's friendly to me. Friendly to the point of letting me put my arm around her at one point in the evening. Slap, punch in the groin, removing my arm... all recognizable signals I did not get. Still sober, but she's midway through beer 2 when I ask if we're still on for lunch sometime. I get: "Sure, I'd love to have lunch with you. But you have to realize that we can only go as friends because I have a boyfriend." Ok, understandable, I guess. Rest of the evening she's sitting next to me at various times. What I mean is, she leaves the room to hit the ladies room, get a beer, dance, participate in a costume contest, etc. Always ends up in one of the chairs right next to me when she's back. Crosses her legs towards me and leans in... occassionally smiles.
Think about my personal hell for a minute. I have one woman, sitting across from me, whose navel I could probably see if I cared to look over there. Next to me is another woman who's leaning toward me. Neither of these women are supposedly in play. I'm getting signals from both, however. There's a hell of a lot of smiling going on and I'm pretty sure no NO2 is involved. I can't figure out what's going on here.
Now, there's also a third woman on my campus who I haven't mentioned. We were close enough during the first two weeks of school that some of my classmates actually thought we might be a couple. Haven't asked her out yet. But I've found out yesterday that she also has a boyfriend. She's apparently close to that guy, because she was planning his birthday party and trying to figure out how to make sure his didn't conflict with her own daughter's the same week, so he could come to that. She didn't go to the Halloween party, which is probably for the best. I already had this in stereo, if I ended up in surround sound, I probably would've slit my own throat with a shot glass.
I'm not completely clueless here, which is probably why I'm confused. My BA was in Interpersonal Communication. I did really well in the relationship and nonverbal communication courses. I was running a checklist of signals to tell me they weren't interested. Not getting any. Checklist for signals of interest gets a number of responses though. Up until the "boyfriend" comments, I figure I'm doing pretty good. The types of signals I'm getting are either flirty, or outright relational signals. Physical contact is ok, guiding behavior is ok, apparently everything shy of holding hands or a liplock is cool. Every last one of them left the door open for us to hang out together more, too.
Now, to tell you something about me. Imagine the desk you're sitting at begins talking. Weird right? After a few weeks, though? Yeah, not so wierd. You'd probably just accept the talking desk. Maybe you have a few conversations with the desk. The desk doesn't strike you as a member of your species though. You don't pine away for the desk if it gets taken away, for instance. Ladies, when you tell me you have a boyfriend, you pretty much become a talking desk. I stop chasing you. I don't go out of my way to talk to you. I don't seek out your input unless you've got something I need to know. We don't interact much. If your boyfriend or husband meets me, we're not in competition. I've disassociated myself from you to the point where I stop seeing you as a potential mate, possibly even putting you on the level of curious alien.
This is the way I've been dealing with these women. Weird thing is, that since I stopped trying to meet them, I run into them almost three times as much. Not trying to run into them anymore, it just seems to happen. Apparently way too often to be coincidental, too. What I'm talking about is that if I need a book from the law library, I'll run into a woman. When I need to go to my carol a half hour later, I run into the same woman. I cross campus to hit the bookstore, same woman again. I ran into her almost three times as often as when I was intentionally trying to run into her, and I knew every class she took. I'm always getting a greeting, and/or a wave, and oddly it's common for me to get a flirting behavior, too. I've not been acknowledging these. Again, no longer a woman hitting on me, now it's a table.
So, did the rules change on me? When I first started dating, "I have a boyfriend" was the equivalent of "GTF away from me." I understood this signal. Had a woman in one class who actually had me call her to set up a time we could go out on a date. She misses this call, and the two after it. I find out the next week she's engaged. Never talked to her again and we had the same class for 3 months. This was the one time I actually knew a woman was interested in me. "I have a boyfriend" is usually how women made sure I stopped flirting with them.
It almost seems now like I'm being challenged. Like they're asking me to convince them I'm better than whoever they're currently seeing. This isn't going to happen, if so. First, I respect their boyfriend's right to not have me butt in there on him, (even if I've never met the guy, seems like common courtesy). Second... you know, welcome to "talking furniture land". Either this is changed since I knew what the playbook contained, or I'm attracted to... for lack of a better word... "sluts". I don't think it's the last part, because we've got some raging sluts at my university, and they generally don't go for me. Is this normal female behavior now? Was it some kind of test? Am I failing that test? What's the deal?
What I mean is this: In the past several months, I've noticed a few women I *thought*, (I'll leave that open to debate), were flirting with me. Maybe they were flirting with me, maybe not, I'm not sure anymore. So, I've been flirting back. I'm *not* getting the "go away and leave me alone* signals I've been looking for and expecting. I'm actually getting what I assume are more flirting signals. Now I'm qualifying everything here for a reason. When I go in to "seal the deal" by actually asking her out, I get shot down. I *think*.
The first woman I was flirting with I sat behind in a class. We'd kind of chatted before this, I knew her name and I figured she knew mine at least. Over the course of this class, I noticed she kept fixing her makeup and looking over her shoulder at me. (I was sitting in the row behind her). I was on one of the back rows, and she'd do this even when no one in this part of the room was speaking. The amount of lip gloss she was applying was possibly toxic. A couple of times I could write off, we're talking five or more times, often enough that it seemed out of place to me. She's got the school email client open, so I log on, shoot her a message: "Hey, this is .... (the guy sitting behind you). I notice you've been looking over your shoulder at me and applying your makeup. Do you mean anything by that? 'Cause I am available if you'd like to get together for lunch or something." The reply I got, about six hours later, (despite having seen her open the email), was: "I'm flattered, and I think you're a wonderful guy, but I already have a boyfriend." Ok, cool.
Flash forward several weeks. Last week I go to two Halloween parties in the same night. She's at both. First one she's not in costume, but wearing a low cut blouse. She sat directly across from me. I have never seen one woman drop her napkin so many times on the floor in front of her before. I was trying not to look. When I was looking over at her, (at times when her napkin was on her lap, thank you), she'd smile at me, and look down. Once or twice I got a blush. Three hours later, I'm at a bit more lively party. She's shown up in costume now. She's a cat, (you know, if cats had DD's and wore spandex, apparently...). Her blouse is if anything, even lower cut than before. Again, sits right across from me. Same eye behavior as before, only this time I get an occasional smile and wave if I'm looking over. It's seeming like the drunker this girl gets, the flirtier she becomes. She's not plastered, either. First party she had her first drink of the night, a 3.2% Bud Light, and she wasn't halfway through that before I had to leave for the next party. Second party she was sober enough to drive other people home. She was a hell of a lot more sober than I was at that point in the evening, in any case.
On to woman two. This woman I've been talking with on and off for about two months. I know all about her ACL injury, we met a year ago at a potential law student orientation when she was in a wheelchair after surgery. We chat occasionally when she's at the bike rack locking up or getting ready to head home. I probably know more about this woman's life and family than I do some of my close friends. She's not very flirty, but I do get a wave and a smile every time I see her, and she was one of the first people to learn my name. She's actually the one who talked me into going to Halloween Party #2 above. I emailed her when she was in a study hall with: "Hey, I just realized I skipped lunch today, would you like to go get something to eat after your study hall with me?" She didn't get it 'til after 6 PM that night, which I only know because she told me while apologizing for not getting back to me and inviting me to Halloween Party #2. She's also telling me we should get together sometime.
So, back to this second Halloween party. I meet woman 2 at this party. I get a hug when she gets there. She's friendly to me. Friendly to the point of letting me put my arm around her at one point in the evening. Slap, punch in the groin, removing my arm... all recognizable signals I did not get. Still sober, but she's midway through beer 2 when I ask if we're still on for lunch sometime. I get: "Sure, I'd love to have lunch with you. But you have to realize that we can only go as friends because I have a boyfriend." Ok, understandable, I guess. Rest of the evening she's sitting next to me at various times. What I mean is, she leaves the room to hit the ladies room, get a beer, dance, participate in a costume contest, etc. Always ends up in one of the chairs right next to me when she's back. Crosses her legs towards me and leans in... occassionally smiles.
Think about my personal hell for a minute. I have one woman, sitting across from me, whose navel I could probably see if I cared to look over there. Next to me is another woman who's leaning toward me. Neither of these women are supposedly in play. I'm getting signals from both, however. There's a hell of a lot of smiling going on and I'm pretty sure no NO2 is involved. I can't figure out what's going on here.
Now, there's also a third woman on my campus who I haven't mentioned. We were close enough during the first two weeks of school that some of my classmates actually thought we might be a couple. Haven't asked her out yet. But I've found out yesterday that she also has a boyfriend. She's apparently close to that guy, because she was planning his birthday party and trying to figure out how to make sure his didn't conflict with her own daughter's the same week, so he could come to that. She didn't go to the Halloween party, which is probably for the best. I already had this in stereo, if I ended up in surround sound, I probably would've slit my own throat with a shot glass.
I'm not completely clueless here, which is probably why I'm confused. My BA was in Interpersonal Communication. I did really well in the relationship and nonverbal communication courses. I was running a checklist of signals to tell me they weren't interested. Not getting any. Checklist for signals of interest gets a number of responses though. Up until the "boyfriend" comments, I figure I'm doing pretty good. The types of signals I'm getting are either flirty, or outright relational signals. Physical contact is ok, guiding behavior is ok, apparently everything shy of holding hands or a liplock is cool. Every last one of them left the door open for us to hang out together more, too.
Now, to tell you something about me. Imagine the desk you're sitting at begins talking. Weird right? After a few weeks, though? Yeah, not so wierd. You'd probably just accept the talking desk. Maybe you have a few conversations with the desk. The desk doesn't strike you as a member of your species though. You don't pine away for the desk if it gets taken away, for instance. Ladies, when you tell me you have a boyfriend, you pretty much become a talking desk. I stop chasing you. I don't go out of my way to talk to you. I don't seek out your input unless you've got something I need to know. We don't interact much. If your boyfriend or husband meets me, we're not in competition. I've disassociated myself from you to the point where I stop seeing you as a potential mate, possibly even putting you on the level of curious alien.
This is the way I've been dealing with these women. Weird thing is, that since I stopped trying to meet them, I run into them almost three times as much. Not trying to run into them anymore, it just seems to happen. Apparently way too often to be coincidental, too. What I'm talking about is that if I need a book from the law library, I'll run into a woman. When I need to go to my carol a half hour later, I run into the same woman. I cross campus to hit the bookstore, same woman again. I ran into her almost three times as often as when I was intentionally trying to run into her, and I knew every class she took. I'm always getting a greeting, and/or a wave, and oddly it's common for me to get a flirting behavior, too. I've not been acknowledging these. Again, no longer a woman hitting on me, now it's a table.
So, did the rules change on me? When I first started dating, "I have a boyfriend" was the equivalent of "GTF away from me." I understood this signal. Had a woman in one class who actually had me call her to set up a time we could go out on a date. She misses this call, and the two after it. I find out the next week she's engaged. Never talked to her again and we had the same class for 3 months. This was the one time I actually knew a woman was interested in me. "I have a boyfriend" is usually how women made sure I stopped flirting with them.
It almost seems now like I'm being challenged. Like they're asking me to convince them I'm better than whoever they're currently seeing. This isn't going to happen, if so. First, I respect their boyfriend's right to not have me butt in there on him, (even if I've never met the guy, seems like common courtesy). Second... you know, welcome to "talking furniture land". Either this is changed since I knew what the playbook contained, or I'm attracted to... for lack of a better word... "sluts". I don't think it's the last part, because we've got some raging sluts at my university, and they generally don't go for me. Is this normal female behavior now? Was it some kind of test? Am I failing that test? What's the deal?
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