What's your pet peeve in RL?

[Malacite]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

I know I do. Actually I've been fretting nonstop over what to do, and everyone just keeps telling me to calm down and don't worry so much but I know what a huge deal this is how much I gotta step it up.

We got a peace of good (if you can call it that) news today: Dad got improved for the insurance just in time, and so we're not losing our house. The car's still gonna get taken away (not that we could use it anyway none of us drive...) but at least we're not getting thrown out on the street and losing all our stuff.

Course, I'd rather lose said stuff and still have my Dad ; ;

[Feba]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

Dunno about Itazura, but I have had plenty of experience with depression. You can stare yourself in the face and do things. It's called willpower. Telling yourself you can't is an easy excuse for failure.

Not that it's easy or that a moment of dedication will pull you through the end, but you have to start somewhere. Your mind is right, you are terrible; the thing you didn't mention is that we all have the opportunity to be less terrible through effort and exertion.

- - - Updated - - -

Try not to "fret". Get advice on your options, and compare them through a system that makes sense to you; whether that's a pro/con list, a points system, a family conversation, whatever. Do what you can, commit to your choices. If you do your best to realize your goals, neither yourself nor anybody else can blame you when things go wrong. You know we give you shit because you don't exert yourself to reach your goals; if you do that one thing, anyone who doesn't respect what you do isn't worth your time.

It might be a good idea to start by getting your license, depending on the requirements. Even if you don't need to drive on a daily basis, it may help you find a job (many jobs require the ability to drive), and more importantly, people simply need drivers every now and then. I live in a huge, modern city with an incredibly robust public transportation system--and I still take taxis every now and then. Not out of opulence, but because sometimes shit is heavy and you can't reasonably fit three bookshelves in the back of the 251. There will come a time when driving will be useful, and that could be anything from a U-Haul or rental subcompact to Malacite suddenly being a trucker because employment.

And not to seem inconsiderate, but trading the stuff for your dad isn't an option. Don't deny yourself the happiness or security you get from the good things that are in your life because they won't bring him back. He's gone, but your stuff doesn't have to be, and that's something to be thankful to him for. It is good news. It's not better news than your bad news, but it's a bit of chocolate in your shit cake.

[Aksannyi]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

Not saying that I don't, but depression affects everyone differently. For me it was like being buried under a pile of dirt that kept getting bigger, it compounded upon itself and that makde it harder to get out from under it. It may not be that way for everyone.

It took me quite a long time to recognize that cycle and learn to avoid getting sucked into it.

But yeah, I have always been and will always be a shitty person so I'm not sure why anyone can even stand me. My boyfriend must be a saint.

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Dang you Feba and your edit, but yes, good pep talk.

lol

[Feba]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

Merged post, technically.

To expand on what I'm talking about, having systems to handle things in an organized manner is a good way to remove the emotional/objectivity problems that humans are doomed to face from your problem solving. I'm not an organized or systematic person by any standard (my room is mostly messy, my schedule is erratic at best, and I generally don't like to force myself to abide by hard rules and prescriptions), but there are some tactics I use to ensure things that need getting done get done by the time they need doing. Even simple lists can go a long way to improving things; it helps to get things on paper or a screen, out of your head and where you can look at them more objectively. Give yourself some RL achievements to unlock, Mal.

They can also be a good way to deal with things when you don't want to deal with things. Sometimes it's easier to do something because The List tells you to than because you tell yourself to. If you let yourself down, that's one thing, but if you let The List down you're failing past you, present you, and future you. Keep your lists. Even when they look terrible. One day you will get them crossed off, one day you will fill all the check boxes, and one day you will compare that to when you were an aimless piece of shit and you will realize how much you've improved.

Remember, almost all humans are pretty deeply flawed; I don't think myself, Aks, Taskmage, BBQ etc. would be very offended at being called fuckups, but we've still done shit with our lives and gotten ourselves more or less together. It's an ongoing process, but there's really no excuse to be less successful than us.

[ItazuraNhomango]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

You guys are still cuddling him and drowning him in way too much chatter. If he's the type who can figure out what's important from all the messages in and out of his head and go after that and only that, he'd done it already. So, stick to what's important and cut the noise.

1. Get the funeral done.
2. Get a job, support his family.

Anything else is extraneous right now.

[Mezlo]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

You guys are still cuddling him and drowning him in way too much chatter. If he's the type who can figure out what's important from all the messages in and out of his head and go after that and only that, he'd done it already. So, stick to what's important and cut the noise.

1. Get the funeral done.
2. Get a job, support his family.

Anything else is extraneous right now.

While I agree with this, your points could be made with a little more "tact" considering he just lost his father.

[ItazuraNhomango]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

While I agree with this, your points could be made with a little more "tact" considering he just lost his father.

More sympathy will just cause more inaction; all it does is tells him he should be sad. He doesn't need sadness--he needs to act, with purpose.

Heck, he's gotten at least a year worth of sympathy on these forums regarding his joblessness, what good did it do him? Give him a slap on the face, and simple, uncluttered direction to follow. He doesn't need or deserve anything else.

[Malacite]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

Yeah, put on the ignore list. I'm painfully aware of the reality and what needs to be done. I don't care to be talked down to by anyone right now. My "life" is about to get so much shittier it's going to take everything I have to keep it together. I can worry about all that shit after Monday when we bury him.

It's all I can do right now to keep myself from breaking down. Tomorrow's my birthday, and we're thinking of going out for sushi anyway like Dad had planned, to honor him.

[cidbahamut]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

He's a human being, something that seems to have been lost on you Itazura.

You disgust me.

[DakAttack]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

He's a human being, something that seems to have been lost on you Itazura.

You disgust me.

He's not a human being anymore. He was a lot of things, but now he's a hole that needs to be filled.

[Aksannyi]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

So back to the regularly scheduled Aks peeves (because while I am aware that people have it worse, I have really nowhere else to bitch).

1. I have been home since 5:30. It's 6:54. My cable box has been updating the whole time. I am about to go on a murderous rampage if I don't get to watch some fucking TV.

2. My bank sent me a brand new debit card - a month after I got my renewal card - only this one is a different number, and now I have to learn a new debit card number and update all of my fucking auto bill payments. Not pleased.

Malacite, I feel like wishing you a happy birthday is rather misplaced right now, after all, calling it "happy" is quite the misnomer. But I do hope you manage to find some good in your day tomorrow.

[ItazuraNhomango]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

He's a human being, something that seems to have been lost on you Itazura.

You disgust me.

That's fine; we all have different perspectives, after all. Mine is from someone who was once a multi-year jobless bum leeching off parents while pretending FF11 was "theraphy that keeps me sane." Also, my father recently had a health scare.

From that point of view, I see Malacite doesn't need sympathy. Relentless enforcement of the one message is what he needs: shape up. About the only thing that can one up that is to give him a job, and I can't do that. So, harsh truth is all I gave him until he put me on ignore list.

More kinds words from this forum? That will do nothing but cause him more excuses for inaction and self-pity, delaying his recovery further.

[Aksannyi]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

I disagree.

This is my own experience here, but when I was depressed, whenever people yelled at me or tried to be harsh with me, it just made me feel worse about myself. It was just the negative reinforcement I needed to keep feeling like the worthless piece of shit I knew I was. Saying something like, "I'm so disappointed in you," wasn't a motivator to me like it might have been to some people - it was just that person echoing my own self-perceived inadequacy.

Now I don't claim to know everything about Malacite or how he deals with his own issues. I hardly know any of you, beyond what you all say. But as someone who has been in the lowest point of my own personal hell to the point where I nearly took myself out of it by death, I remember how it felt for someone to be harsh with me, to yell at me, to push me down in order to make me rise back up. People for whom that works don't understand the mentality of someone for whom it doesn't work. I have had my parents, friends, teachers, and bosses all alike try to use this "I'm going to tell you you're worthless so you rise up and prove me wrong" strategy, and the only thing it did was further compound my sense of self-worth. And to each of them, I've told them why it doesn't work - and they use the exact same line that you did: "It's an excuse."

To you, perhaps it is an excuse. But when you're crushed beneath your own expectations for yourself, sometimes the fact that other people also have these expectations is just enough to cause you to crumble beneath the weight of it. That's not an excuse, it's a mental issue, one that is very hard to escape the weight of.

Could be different for Malacite, like I said, I don't know. But that philosophy of motivation doesn't work on everyone, and I'm proof enough.

[ItazuraNhomango]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

I disagree.

This is my own experience here, but when I was depressed, whenever people yelled at me or tried to be harsh with me, it just made me feel worse about myself. It was just the negative reinforcement I needed to keep feeling like the worthless piece of shit I knew I was. Saying something like, "I'm so disappointed in you," wasn't a motivator to me like it might have been to some people - it was just that person echoing my own self-perceived inadequacy.

I can agree this view, up to a point. The problem is, sympathy so far hadn't done Malacite any good; there was no result, and he kept going back to the self-diagnosed 'depression'.

The real goal I had was not to be 'harsh' (though it certainly came across that way, and intentionally so), but to simplify the message down to the essential--to give him as simple of a plan of action as possible, while still concrete enough to actually follow.

Help with the funeral.
Use the funeral to connect.
Explain financial situation to extended family.
Ask for help/job.

But he just completely ignored that, of course. (I had a feeling that was likely the case, but I had to try to get through.) Anyway, now that I'm ignored, my part is done. It didn't seem to have made any change, but I give it my best shot.


The rest of you may still reach him, though.

Good luck.

[Aksannyi]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

Ahh, understood - not really sure what else to do with that though. There's only so much we can do.

My peeve of the day is people who try to do my job, fail, and then get angry with me when I call them out for screwing it up. Why do you think I'm even here?