What's your pet peeve in RL?

[Taskmage]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

triggers

When I quit my job last year I had plans for myself. I knew I had derailed my life by never finishing college and having kids so early, but I was going to get back on track, work hard and teach myself some skills, and become someone who made a difference in the world. I knew I could and I was determined to do it. I don't know what happened to that person. At some point I stopped wanting to get better. I can't even imagine being better anymore. I can't imagine a future for myself that is worth struggling towards. I just gave up on myself. I've been thinking about dying a lot. There are plenty of very high overpasses nearby that would do that job, though it would probably be better for the children if I went in a way that could be written off as something other than a suicide, like a high speed vehicle collision with a tree.

My wife tells me she needs me but she doesn't. The only thing she needs me for is to watch the children while she's at work, which she wouldn't even have to do if I wasn't standing in the way of the other man in her life taking care of our family financially, as he's more than capable of doing and has offered to do many times. Hell, if I was out of the way they could even have a child together as I know they want to without giving away the game to the extended family. I don't even know how she could justify saying that she wants me. We hardly talk anymore. Other than the sex our relationship is no more intimate than two facebook friends. She says none of that stuff matters; I was there for her and helped her get better when she was depressed and suicidal and she's going to do the same for me. Except I did need her. I didn't know how I could possibly take care of this family without her. She was important and she wanted to get better. I am not and I do not. I see no value in getting better. My apoptosis from our social organism makes perfect sense.

I'm not sure why I'm saying all this. I don't want to trouble or upset anyone and I don't believe there's anything anyone could say that would help me. I don't know that I'd want to hear it if there was. I just feel so, so alone and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm sorry.

[DakAttack]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

It's hard to imagine that you can feel alone in your own family, but I'm sorry you feel that way. I think you should look to your children for strength. It sounds as though both you and and your wife have suffered from depression, and since there's a genetic component there's a good chance your children will as well. You would be a great help to them if you watched them closely during their teen years and were proactive about getting them any help they might need. But first, you need to get help for yourself. It sounds like it's time to medicate.

[Armando]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

I'm sorry you feel this way TM. There's obviously a lot going on in your life that I'm not privy to so I won't bother trying to comment on your situation at home. I don't know what I can do to help, but maybe reading these will help you in some way:
Controlling Your Environment Makes You Happy - Joel on Software
Coding Horror: How to Talk to Human Beings

Either way, never tie your self worth to your impact on "the world." That's a metric you can't even measure, and only a handful of people can claim to have done that anyways. What matters is your impact on others, and if you were to disappear I can tell you at least I'd miss you.

[Yygdrasil]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

I shit you not. Keep this up and ill ne forced to fly down there and buy you a beer. I dont want to resort to that... but if it must be done it must be done. Ill take one for the team.

What's this other guy's name? Ill add him to the "atrisk" list at the airport. That aught to guarentee a TSA cavity search on his next flight.

[Feba]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

What's this other guy's name? Ill add him to the "atrisk" list at the airport. That aught to guarentee a TSA cavity search on his next flight.

So that's why the no-fly list is so fucked up.

Tasky, my advice; it sounds to me like you think your family would be better off without you, and that you don't like your life. So why not just run the fuck away? Worst case scenario, you abandon your family and everything goes to hell for them; the same would happen if you killed yourself, except in that situation you have no choice to come back. Just outright leave them and you do. You mention trying to make your death easier for your kids; well, if you kill yourself, you can never make it up to them. If you just leave them, there's always a chance at reunion and forgiveness in the future. Running away can be anything from simply getting a divorce and leaving your wife with the kids while you move a couple towns over to leaving every last thing you own and crossing the country, or changing your name to teach English in South America. You can do whatever the fuck you want, and if you don't like being Mr. Atleastigavemywifeanawesomename, you can go be someone else.

Think about the outcomes of that-- Worst case scenario, you die, which by your standards is still success. You could find yourself, rediscover the joy in life, do some good for the world, get a bit of perspective (or a new one, at least), see the world. If you're going to kill yourself anyway, you may as well; what do you have to lose?

[Yygdrasil]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

Although I'm not 100% sure I agree with Feba, I can't deny that some of what he's saying sounds reasonable given your situation.

If you need a place to start fresh, might I suggest Boston?

[Taskmage]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

In reverse order:

I've thought about it, but there's no point. Performing what function I do for my family is all I care enough about to live for; There's nothing I want for myself. It's not an alternative, it's just a longer road to the same place.

There's nothing wrong with the other guy. We've had this arrangement for years and we've been friends for longer. At most I irrationally resent him for being dealt a good hand by life and playing it well.

The child who is a problem is autistic and largely non-verbal, so there's an extremely limited degree to which conversational technique is useful. My environment is undoubtedly contributing to my unhappiness as it is a continuous march of chaos driven by the entropy my children and pets pump into it, which I can hardly keep up with on a hypomanic streak. If I could remove myself from it more regularly it would probably restore some inner peace but not ultimately solve anything.

It's true. Both our fathers have had major depressive episodes, and when we started having trouble in our teens, they just wrote it off as normal and didn't intervene at all. The trouble with seeking medical attention continues to be health insurance. Medication is probably a better option now that I'm no longer concerned with striking a balance between keeping the psychological traits that I like while suppressing the ones I don't.

[Feba]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

Then go perform that function for a family that isn't controlled by what seems like a woman who is trying to have her awesome name and eat a dick too.

You can do it. Go become Mrs. Doubtfiraga.


(serious suggestion: go do volunteer work; anywhere. Maybe you still hate your life, but at least you can appreciate doing good for others)

[Taskmage]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

This is a good suggestion. I just need to coordinate with the wife to get the car and time out of the house. How do you find volunteer work? That last time I tried looking it was like another damn job search for positions I didn't qualify for, only unpaid. Obviously soup kitchens don't advertise wherever I was looking.

It does feel like she is taking too much and not giving enough back, but to be fair, none of the times she has sought consent for something have I failed to give it.

[Armando]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

so there's an extremely limited degree to which conversational technique is useful

I figured, but it also sounds like you don't talk to your wife much any more, so I figured there was some value there, if that's what you still want.

At most I irrationally resent him for being dealt a good hand by life and playing it well.

There's nothing irrational about resenting someone being dealt a better hand in life. Just-world fallacy and all that.

[Yygdrasil]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

Just-world fallacy and all that.

Schadenfreude for life.

[Taskmage]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

Isn't cognitive bias the basis of irrationality?

[Armando]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

Isn't cognitive bias the basis of irrationality?

The just-world fallacy is the belief/bias that if someone is poor, he probably deserves it, if someone has been screwed over, he had it coming, if someone is rich, he earned it, etc. Your line of thinking is the opposite of that - that it sucks that he lucked into a better position in life. And if that's the case, it does indeed suck, and there's nothing irrational about thinking it.

[Yygdrasil]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

Anyone else notice that when TM is upset... his diction becomes increasingly verbose in direct correlation with his declining demeanor?

[Taskmage]

Re: What's your pet peeve in RL?

The just-world fallacy is the belief/bias that if someone is poor, he probably deserves it, if someone has been screwed over, he had it coming, if someone is rich, he earned it, etc. Your line of thinking is the opposite of that - that it sucks that he lucked into a better position in life. And if that's the case, it does indeed suck, and there's nothing irrational about thinking it.

Holding it against him is, though. I would add, it's not entirely true that he doesn't deserve it. He may have been dealt better cards but he played them very well to get where he is. I've been handed my share of opportunities too, and I did not execute on them as admirably.

Anyone else notice that when TM is upset... his diction becomes increasingly verbose in direct correlation with his declining demeanor?

Astute observation. I think my depression is somehow seated in the left side of my brain, where the language processing is at. In parallel to this I've been reading a book that's supposed to help me learn to draw, which indicates that some part of me is in some sense hopeful, but it's not the part of me that's adept at expressing itself.