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Re: Official bored at work / just shooting the shit / no rails to derail thread
Fair warning given here: I am venting. This post is probably going to go places that will make a lot of you uncomfortable. However, I just need to get this out. My mood set to lonely is not just a cute little side thing. I'm essentially alone here. That being said, everything below the line is going to be a lot of potentially nonsensical and assuredly depressing crap. I thought about spoilering it, but honestly, I can't be fucked right now.
You know what, fuck it, gonna spoil it anyway, I'm sure someone will bitch if I don't.
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Sorry. Even if I know one person is reading this I will feel like I got this shit off my chest. I don't blame you if you don't.
Fair warning given here: I am venting. This post is probably going to go places that will make a lot of you uncomfortable. However, I just need to get this out. My mood set to lonely is not just a cute little side thing. I'm essentially alone here. That being said, everything below the line is going to be a lot of potentially nonsensical and assuredly depressing crap. I thought about spoilering it, but honestly, I can't be fucked right now.
You know what, fuck it, gonna spoil it anyway, I'm sure someone will bitch if I don't.
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Stuff. I did warn you. I'm not in a good place right now.
Things are not great in Aksannyi-ville. They were. Right around September, my world began to kind of crumble around me. I had been seeing a great man, someone I was very deeply in love with, although I knew that, as he was in the process of his very difficult divorce, he could not give me a relationship. The heart wanted what it wanted (still wants), though, and while I claim to attempt to move on from this, in my heart, I want so badly to give it a chance. We never had a "real" relationship, purely a strong friendship with benefits. Anyone looking from the outside would have seen a relationship. It was only by words alone that it was not. Even still, knowing all this, I fell in love with him anyway. I realize this makes me a fool, but it wasn't like I set out trying to fall for him. We were practically strangers the first time we went out. I've been in FWB relationships before, never before this have I been unable to keep feelings in check. The strength of my feelings completely blindsided me ... and when I realized it, I did everything I could think of to keep that to myself. Didn't wanna fuck up a good thing.
Well, I fucked it up ... but not on purpose. Around September, he went on vacation. Went out of town to visit some family he hadn't seen in a while, came back with a fresh resolve, to put me aside so he could seriously concentrate on the divorce. I can't blame him for that, in fact I gave him free reign. Problem is, in my upset, he kind of realized just how close I'd gotten. While I think that when the dust settles there is still a chance, I'm basically broken. We maintain a friendship ... but as he's still working through this divorce (she is not giving him an inch, and thankfully she does not know about me) he is not really able to be as close as before. Obviously, though just hanging out with me right now is not good, being that I'm female and that every female he talks to is automatically fucking him in her eyes. Yay for jealous psychobitches.
About a month after that, the machine came in and replaced my job and the job of about a dozen other people at the company we worked for. His job was spared - after all, he was the one slated to operate the machine. He has said he feels guilty about this all the time, essentially taking other people's jobs, but it wasn't his job to axe all these people, that was management's. That's beside the point, though. I loved working there. I was extremely sad to leave. Compare that with my most recent job, I was a complete wreck when I lost the first one. This recent one, uh, not so much.
Fast-forward a few months and I'm still very much hurting over this man. I still very much love him. I am trying to move on, but it is extremely difficult. Anyone who has been in love knows this. Along with that, friends keep dropping like flies it seems, not that I'm a total downer around these people - in fact, very few people have seen me in my darkest, most depressed state. This man is one of them. He knows that my mind goes to some very disturbing places when I sink. And I have been sinking a lot lately.
So I lose this job. In the grand scheme of things, Coke did me a huge favor as I really hated that fucking place ... but I still need to work. So I finally got my damn W-2 which for god fucking knows why was sent to my mother's house in PA, a place I haven't lived in over 3 years. Filed my taxes today and oh guess what, not only did some of the tax laws change regarding student loans, also I no longer qualify for the EIC as I make too much. You heard that right, I make sub 20k a year (let's not drop actual numbers here shall we it's depressing enough) and I owe over $70,000 in student loans (which granted is not a qualifying factor for the EIC, I know this) and I make too much. Ha. Oh, but let's force Americans to pay out of pocket for health insurance which a good fucking percentage of us can't afford. Political leanings aside though, because let's not go there, I get a measly 800 bucks back this year, which is less than 1/4 of what I got back last year.
Fuck you IRS. And my big plan was to pay off some of my loans. Completely wipe them clean. And you know why? Because apparently, my previous loans (by the way, the figure I gave is the loans plus interest, total amount owed, actual loans are about 52k) are dangerously close to the federal student loan cap.
Yeah, glad my previous school even told me there was such a thing and that I was close to it. I would have probably dropped out sooner. Because now, I can't go back to school. Even with grants, I will not be able to borrow more than a few semesters' worth of money. And pay for it out of pocket? Yeah right. So my plans to go back to school and potentially finally end up working in a position I might actually enjoy are slim to none. And even with all of the credits I have, I can't even get an Associates, which would then qualify me for post-graduate education, which has an entirely different set of rules and caps beyond what the initial undergraduate loan caps are. Meaning I could finish my education. But now I can't, unless I suddenly happen upon a huge sum of money.
Then there's the truck, ticking time bomb ... not even sure when he's gonna die on me. And I still owe my guy friend the money for the battery he offered to buy for me because I was broke ... that I said I would pay back when I got my tax return which, oh yay, is needed to pay my regular fucking bills now. So much for putting that money into my loans and paying some people back.
And you wanna know what the worst of it is? I was really counting on having more money back because while I was out of work, I was going to take this time, as stupid as it may seem but I won't get the chance again for several months if not years, to go see my kids. I could fly there, continue to search for jobs and set up interviews for when I was back in town, if not for the fact that there is absolutely no money for me to travel, and I can't even bring myself to ask my dad for money again. I am heartbroken. I sometimes feel that I am never going to see my kids again. And I was so excited ... I was so sure I'd have the money when I got my tax return. And I ... I have nothing. What little money I got back is needed for my regular expenses ... I don't even get to put anything away in savings, or buy myself something special. Let alone see my kids who I haven't seen in over two years ... they probably hate me. How could they not? I call as much as I can but I can't bear it anymore. They always ask me when I'm coming. "Mami, cuando vienes?" And I just say "Soon baby, soon, when I have the money." And my heart breaks. I feel like I've lost everything. I have this life ... I don't even want it. Do you know I stared down my gun for a half an hour thinking how easy it would be to just end it? What was stopping me? I'll never know. Finding out about the fact that I'd have to go at least another year before seeing my kids again ... that might just break me. For good. I have put up with a lot. I have been tossed away by everyone who ever cared for me my whole life... treated like second best in my own family, essentially discarded when my mother made the decision to kick me out when I let my ex take the kids. I had no money, no job, nothing, and I worked to build up this life ... this life where I had almost everything I wanted, only to see it all fall away ... again ... into nothing, and what is the point? What is the goddamn point of it all? I keep asking god ... I keep asking him why, what have I done? Why do I hurt like this? Why can't I just ... have some small shred of happiness? And sometimes I dare him. I dare him to take this life from me. There are people dying right now who want so badly to live and I just want god to give my life to them. I would gladly leave this world. And I don't think anyone would miss me. All the people I have ever cared about in my life ... they do not care as much for me as I do for them. My mom, does she think about me when I'm not around? No, she threw me away like the trash. My dad? All I am to him is a money leech ... my kids? They have their life, they don't need me ... I have seen this. My love? If it weren't for the fact that I text him ... I think he does not even notice I exist otherwise. So many others ... so much heartache. I think I am broken. I do not even know if I'm worth fixing anymore. Much like my truck. Costs more to put me back together than to just let me go, I think. I don't know what to do anymore. My children ... I want to see them so badly, to hold them in my arms. Have you ever felt that kind of loss? A mother without her children I am telling you nothing is breaking me more than this. And I was so ... so goddamn fucking sure I was going to get to see them this time and to have that ripped from me just like everything else I just don't know how much fucking more I can take.
I have cried more in these two days that I probably ever have in my life. I miss being worth something to somebody. Anybody. I miss my fucking kids. I fucking miss my goddamn kids. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know if I will make it another year without seeing those little boys and telling them in person how much I love them. All I can do is pray for the pain to end ... if that means my life, too, then ... so be it.
Well, I fucked it up ... but not on purpose. Around September, he went on vacation. Went out of town to visit some family he hadn't seen in a while, came back with a fresh resolve, to put me aside so he could seriously concentrate on the divorce. I can't blame him for that, in fact I gave him free reign. Problem is, in my upset, he kind of realized just how close I'd gotten. While I think that when the dust settles there is still a chance, I'm basically broken. We maintain a friendship ... but as he's still working through this divorce (she is not giving him an inch, and thankfully she does not know about me) he is not really able to be as close as before. Obviously, though just hanging out with me right now is not good, being that I'm female and that every female he talks to is automatically fucking him in her eyes. Yay for jealous psychobitches.
About a month after that, the machine came in and replaced my job and the job of about a dozen other people at the company we worked for. His job was spared - after all, he was the one slated to operate the machine. He has said he feels guilty about this all the time, essentially taking other people's jobs, but it wasn't his job to axe all these people, that was management's. That's beside the point, though. I loved working there. I was extremely sad to leave. Compare that with my most recent job, I was a complete wreck when I lost the first one. This recent one, uh, not so much.
Fast-forward a few months and I'm still very much hurting over this man. I still very much love him. I am trying to move on, but it is extremely difficult. Anyone who has been in love knows this. Along with that, friends keep dropping like flies it seems, not that I'm a total downer around these people - in fact, very few people have seen me in my darkest, most depressed state. This man is one of them. He knows that my mind goes to some very disturbing places when I sink. And I have been sinking a lot lately.
So I lose this job. In the grand scheme of things, Coke did me a huge favor as I really hated that fucking place ... but I still need to work. So I finally got my damn W-2 which for god fucking knows why was sent to my mother's house in PA, a place I haven't lived in over 3 years. Filed my taxes today and oh guess what, not only did some of the tax laws change regarding student loans, also I no longer qualify for the EIC as I make too much. You heard that right, I make sub 20k a year (let's not drop actual numbers here shall we it's depressing enough) and I owe over $70,000 in student loans (which granted is not a qualifying factor for the EIC, I know this) and I make too much. Ha. Oh, but let's force Americans to pay out of pocket for health insurance which a good fucking percentage of us can't afford. Political leanings aside though, because let's not go there, I get a measly 800 bucks back this year, which is less than 1/4 of what I got back last year.
Fuck you IRS. And my big plan was to pay off some of my loans. Completely wipe them clean. And you know why? Because apparently, my previous loans (by the way, the figure I gave is the loans plus interest, total amount owed, actual loans are about 52k) are dangerously close to the federal student loan cap.
Yeah, glad my previous school even told me there was such a thing and that I was close to it. I would have probably dropped out sooner. Because now, I can't go back to school. Even with grants, I will not be able to borrow more than a few semesters' worth of money. And pay for it out of pocket? Yeah right. So my plans to go back to school and potentially finally end up working in a position I might actually enjoy are slim to none. And even with all of the credits I have, I can't even get an Associates, which would then qualify me for post-graduate education, which has an entirely different set of rules and caps beyond what the initial undergraduate loan caps are. Meaning I could finish my education. But now I can't, unless I suddenly happen upon a huge sum of money.
Then there's the truck, ticking time bomb ... not even sure when he's gonna die on me. And I still owe my guy friend the money for the battery he offered to buy for me because I was broke ... that I said I would pay back when I got my tax return which, oh yay, is needed to pay my regular fucking bills now. So much for putting that money into my loans and paying some people back.
And you wanna know what the worst of it is? I was really counting on having more money back because while I was out of work, I was going to take this time, as stupid as it may seem but I won't get the chance again for several months if not years, to go see my kids. I could fly there, continue to search for jobs and set up interviews for when I was back in town, if not for the fact that there is absolutely no money for me to travel, and I can't even bring myself to ask my dad for money again. I am heartbroken. I sometimes feel that I am never going to see my kids again. And I was so excited ... I was so sure I'd have the money when I got my tax return. And I ... I have nothing. What little money I got back is needed for my regular expenses ... I don't even get to put anything away in savings, or buy myself something special. Let alone see my kids who I haven't seen in over two years ... they probably hate me. How could they not? I call as much as I can but I can't bear it anymore. They always ask me when I'm coming. "Mami, cuando vienes?" And I just say "Soon baby, soon, when I have the money." And my heart breaks. I feel like I've lost everything. I have this life ... I don't even want it. Do you know I stared down my gun for a half an hour thinking how easy it would be to just end it? What was stopping me? I'll never know. Finding out about the fact that I'd have to go at least another year before seeing my kids again ... that might just break me. For good. I have put up with a lot. I have been tossed away by everyone who ever cared for me my whole life... treated like second best in my own family, essentially discarded when my mother made the decision to kick me out when I let my ex take the kids. I had no money, no job, nothing, and I worked to build up this life ... this life where I had almost everything I wanted, only to see it all fall away ... again ... into nothing, and what is the point? What is the goddamn point of it all? I keep asking god ... I keep asking him why, what have I done? Why do I hurt like this? Why can't I just ... have some small shred of happiness? And sometimes I dare him. I dare him to take this life from me. There are people dying right now who want so badly to live and I just want god to give my life to them. I would gladly leave this world. And I don't think anyone would miss me. All the people I have ever cared about in my life ... they do not care as much for me as I do for them. My mom, does she think about me when I'm not around? No, she threw me away like the trash. My dad? All I am to him is a money leech ... my kids? They have their life, they don't need me ... I have seen this. My love? If it weren't for the fact that I text him ... I think he does not even notice I exist otherwise. So many others ... so much heartache. I think I am broken. I do not even know if I'm worth fixing anymore. Much like my truck. Costs more to put me back together than to just let me go, I think. I don't know what to do anymore. My children ... I want to see them so badly, to hold them in my arms. Have you ever felt that kind of loss? A mother without her children I am telling you nothing is breaking me more than this. And I was so ... so goddamn fucking sure I was going to get to see them this time and to have that ripped from me just like everything else I just don't know how much fucking more I can take.
I have cried more in these two days that I probably ever have in my life. I miss being worth something to somebody. Anybody. I miss my fucking kids. I fucking miss my goddamn kids. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know if I will make it another year without seeing those little boys and telling them in person how much I love them. All I can do is pray for the pain to end ... if that means my life, too, then ... so be it.
Sorry. Even if I know one person is reading this I will feel like I got this shit off my chest. I don't blame you if you don't.
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