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This was created out of sheer boredom on my part and was inspired by a recent visit to the forum of an endgame linkshell on my server. Once again, if anyone feels compelled to use this elsewhere for any reason, I ask only that it is copied in full and that credit is given to Sharmarali of Ramuh.
There are many reasons why one may wish to create drama on the internet. Perhaps you’ve found that there is nothing on television in the middle of the afternoon worth watching. You’re bored while waiting for season one of Lost to finish downloading. Or you’ve discovered that there are very few people willing to listen to you prattle on and on about how leet you are and how many noobs you can pwn.
You need an audience. Preferably a good-sized group of people who will be outraged and react with much gusto. Your drama should take on a life of its own so that you can check back after a day or two and find dozens of responses. Ideally, it should be so profound as to cause people to forget what the original drama was about in the first place.
Generally, the preferable target is one or more high-profile members of a high-profile linkshell to which you do not presently belong. This ensures that numerous people will become involved in your created drama, while minimizing the chance that you, personally, will lose out on the opportunity to further your own lootwhoring. After all, if you pick on your OWN linkshell, they might become upset and throw you out before you’ve had an opportunity to lot on every single item that the jobs you haven’t played in 2 years can use. This will make you a sad panda.
In selecting your specific target, there are a number of methods you may choose to employ. One of the most effective methods is to visit HNM camps during their pop windows and take a look around to see who is present. Anyone with gear better than your own is a potential target. After all, you, yourself, are amazingly uberpro, and anyone who has equipped themselves better than you is obviously cheating, hacking, botting, or buying gil to get there.
So you’ve narrowed your list down to everyone with better gear than you. Be honest with yourself. You may have worked hard to get that AF2 body for your dark knight, but the fact remains that the guy with the adaman hauberk probably does marginally more damage than you. Hmm, OK, so basically everyone in Dragon Aery is a potential target… What to do, what to do.
Pay attention to the chatter in /say and /shout to determine who seems to be well-known. Ultimately, if you should inadvertently select someone who is quietly good at their job, you will find that the drama you create will backfire as many people outside the linkshell may not realize why you’re talking trash about someone they barely know. Also, watch to see who gets the claim when the HNM finally does pop. Picking on the winning team will generally yield more favorable results for your cause, but it isn’t always necessary. Watch the entire battle carefully. Oops, ok, kill that darter you aggroed when you got excited and pushed the wrong button while you were trying to make a spike flail happen because it looks so cool. And that one that linked. And… OK, now you’re dead. Well, you can work with this.
Wait around awhile and see if anyone will raise you. Hmm, you’ve been lying there awhile now. Niddhogg seems to be dead. Everyone is cheering for that guy. I bet he got something cool. You, meanwhile, were eating dirt. Doesn’t that make you angry? Doesn’t it make you want to start something on that guy? Well, the other linkshells have left now that they got the pop time. Annnnd… OK, Dragon Aery is empty and you’re still there. Nobody raised you. They’re clearly all a bunch of jerks. This is making it difficult to select a target for your drama, but you got some good information on your trip.
Now that you’ve returned to your home point, it’s time to start researching the people about whom you’re thinking of creating drama. If you are able to determine that one of them is female, bonus points! You can automatically work with the assumption that they must be cybering with SOMEONE to get free gil and loot. I mean, girls are inherently inferior to you in every way, so they cannot possibly be capable of obtaining better gear than YOU unless they’re utilizing their gender to further their FFXI career. Attacking the physical appearance of your female target is also an excellent source of fuel for your fire. You may have to use a special scale to get an accurate reading and find that soap and toothpaste are not nearly such important commodities as Cheetos and Mountain Dew, but THIS is a girl! Go for blood!
If your intended target is male, you will need to stick with more traditional accusations. A good method is to state that “a friend told me that he stole something from his friend.†This way, no one will be able to confirm or deny your statement with any degree of accuracy, nor will they be able to trace the statement to its original source and determine that it’s complete poppycock that you made up while your mother was coming downstairs into your basement “apartment†to throw your underwear in the dryer for you. Thanks Mom! Yeah, I sent out some resumes today, but nobody’s hiring. Maybe I’ll go to the temp agency tomorrow.
OK, now that the interruptions have moved on, time to get back to the important subject matter here. You’ve selected your target. You’ve chosen the method of attack. Now it’s time to move in for the kill. Visit the forum of the intended target’s linkshell. Make your post in the public forum. Be sure to give it an eye-catching title like “CHEAT!†or “I can’t believe this!†or simply use the name of the player in question followed by some slanderous statement such as “is a whore.†Remember that spelling, grammar, and punctuation don’t count when making your initial drama-inducing post. In fact, if you can manage to make your entire point without once stopping to create a separate sentence, you will gain FAR more credibility. Profanity is an effective means of communicating anger and disgust. Be sure to use lots of it. The less coherent your overall post is, the harder people will need to work to figure out what exactly the accusation is that you’re attempting to make. This will force them to pay attention. If you do choose to use punctuation, try to limit your selections to exclamation points ONLY. Don’t be afraid to use more than one! Twelve or more in a row is ideal. Whatever you do, be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that anything you say cannot be verified or confirmed in any way. You wouldn’t want anyone to be able to figure out that you’re completely full of it.
By following these simple steps, you have turned what would have been another boring couple of days into a veritable carnival of thrills which can be enjoyed at any time from the comfort of your favorite chair. Don’t be discouraged if several people ask “Who the heck are you anyway?†This is your chance to sound incredibly indignant and make clear to the world that YOU are the king of the internet, and that all must bow before you.
Carry on, King of the Internet. They may have more skills and gear than you, but you have something much better. You have clean underwear!
There are many reasons why one may wish to create drama on the internet. Perhaps you’ve found that there is nothing on television in the middle of the afternoon worth watching. You’re bored while waiting for season one of Lost to finish downloading. Or you’ve discovered that there are very few people willing to listen to you prattle on and on about how leet you are and how many noobs you can pwn.
You need an audience. Preferably a good-sized group of people who will be outraged and react with much gusto. Your drama should take on a life of its own so that you can check back after a day or two and find dozens of responses. Ideally, it should be so profound as to cause people to forget what the original drama was about in the first place.
Generally, the preferable target is one or more high-profile members of a high-profile linkshell to which you do not presently belong. This ensures that numerous people will become involved in your created drama, while minimizing the chance that you, personally, will lose out on the opportunity to further your own lootwhoring. After all, if you pick on your OWN linkshell, they might become upset and throw you out before you’ve had an opportunity to lot on every single item that the jobs you haven’t played in 2 years can use. This will make you a sad panda.
In selecting your specific target, there are a number of methods you may choose to employ. One of the most effective methods is to visit HNM camps during their pop windows and take a look around to see who is present. Anyone with gear better than your own is a potential target. After all, you, yourself, are amazingly uberpro, and anyone who has equipped themselves better than you is obviously cheating, hacking, botting, or buying gil to get there.
So you’ve narrowed your list down to everyone with better gear than you. Be honest with yourself. You may have worked hard to get that AF2 body for your dark knight, but the fact remains that the guy with the adaman hauberk probably does marginally more damage than you. Hmm, OK, so basically everyone in Dragon Aery is a potential target… What to do, what to do.
Pay attention to the chatter in /say and /shout to determine who seems to be well-known. Ultimately, if you should inadvertently select someone who is quietly good at their job, you will find that the drama you create will backfire as many people outside the linkshell may not realize why you’re talking trash about someone they barely know. Also, watch to see who gets the claim when the HNM finally does pop. Picking on the winning team will generally yield more favorable results for your cause, but it isn’t always necessary. Watch the entire battle carefully. Oops, ok, kill that darter you aggroed when you got excited and pushed the wrong button while you were trying to make a spike flail happen because it looks so cool. And that one that linked. And… OK, now you’re dead. Well, you can work with this.
Wait around awhile and see if anyone will raise you. Hmm, you’ve been lying there awhile now. Niddhogg seems to be dead. Everyone is cheering for that guy. I bet he got something cool. You, meanwhile, were eating dirt. Doesn’t that make you angry? Doesn’t it make you want to start something on that guy? Well, the other linkshells have left now that they got the pop time. Annnnd… OK, Dragon Aery is empty and you’re still there. Nobody raised you. They’re clearly all a bunch of jerks. This is making it difficult to select a target for your drama, but you got some good information on your trip.
Now that you’ve returned to your home point, it’s time to start researching the people about whom you’re thinking of creating drama. If you are able to determine that one of them is female, bonus points! You can automatically work with the assumption that they must be cybering with SOMEONE to get free gil and loot. I mean, girls are inherently inferior to you in every way, so they cannot possibly be capable of obtaining better gear than YOU unless they’re utilizing their gender to further their FFXI career. Attacking the physical appearance of your female target is also an excellent source of fuel for your fire. You may have to use a special scale to get an accurate reading and find that soap and toothpaste are not nearly such important commodities as Cheetos and Mountain Dew, but THIS is a girl! Go for blood!
If your intended target is male, you will need to stick with more traditional accusations. A good method is to state that “a friend told me that he stole something from his friend.†This way, no one will be able to confirm or deny your statement with any degree of accuracy, nor will they be able to trace the statement to its original source and determine that it’s complete poppycock that you made up while your mother was coming downstairs into your basement “apartment†to throw your underwear in the dryer for you. Thanks Mom! Yeah, I sent out some resumes today, but nobody’s hiring. Maybe I’ll go to the temp agency tomorrow.
OK, now that the interruptions have moved on, time to get back to the important subject matter here. You’ve selected your target. You’ve chosen the method of attack. Now it’s time to move in for the kill. Visit the forum of the intended target’s linkshell. Make your post in the public forum. Be sure to give it an eye-catching title like “CHEAT!†or “I can’t believe this!†or simply use the name of the player in question followed by some slanderous statement such as “is a whore.†Remember that spelling, grammar, and punctuation don’t count when making your initial drama-inducing post. In fact, if you can manage to make your entire point without once stopping to create a separate sentence, you will gain FAR more credibility. Profanity is an effective means of communicating anger and disgust. Be sure to use lots of it. The less coherent your overall post is, the harder people will need to work to figure out what exactly the accusation is that you’re attempting to make. This will force them to pay attention. If you do choose to use punctuation, try to limit your selections to exclamation points ONLY. Don’t be afraid to use more than one! Twelve or more in a row is ideal. Whatever you do, be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that anything you say cannot be verified or confirmed in any way. You wouldn’t want anyone to be able to figure out that you’re completely full of it.
By following these simple steps, you have turned what would have been another boring couple of days into a veritable carnival of thrills which can be enjoyed at any time from the comfort of your favorite chair. Don’t be discouraged if several people ask “Who the heck are you anyway?†This is your chance to sound incredibly indignant and make clear to the world that YOU are the king of the internet, and that all must bow before you.
Carry on, King of the Internet. They may have more skills and gear than you, but you have something much better. You have clean underwear!
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